The other night I learned after watching Winnie Monsod’s primetime television program that—just like me—Juan Ponce Enrile, the controversial Senate President and a fellow Cagayano, considers death as his greatest fear.
I found solace.
Imagine, one of the most feared Filipino and ever powerful politician still deems “death” as his greatest fear despite his varied successful acts as a highly regarded lawyer, former customs commissioner, former defense minister, and seasoned senator! If this respectable Senate President fears death the most, then how much more for a modest educator like me who still has many dreams and aspirations hanging in the air? I’m consoled.
The thought of my greatest fear is like a stalker that keeps on hounding me lately, especially whenever I am reminded of the demise this year of the iconic Jessie Robredo and the multi-awarded director Marilou Diaz Abaya. I agree the two absolutely autographed their profession with remarkable excellence and commitment that they became larger than life with their eternal rest but I believe that if they were still alive today, they would passionately continue making a huge difference in their particular calling. I guess I still have sacks and sacks of rice to eat before I could at least equal what they have accomplished in their uncharacteristic, yet remarkable sojourn here on earth.
A rendezvous with some great minds made me think twice of my greatest fear. Pastor Rick Warren paraphrased a verse in the Bible that encourages me not to be afraid of death and think of what I must do during my journey on earth. “God redeemed you so you could do his ‘holy work.’ You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role and a function to fulfill.” I agree. I must do noble things while father Time is still on my side. Meanwhile, bestseller author J.K. Rowling expressed bravado on the dreary D (death), “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” Of course, with a plethora of optimism running in my veins, I envision a better “adventure” or life after death, but I supposed that would be another adventure…a much different adventure from my current journey.
So, why am I still considering death as my greatest fear? Two great men have conveyed famous thoughts that persuade this misty mind to continue being intimidated: Robert Frost and Horace Mann.
Taking his exquisite stanza in the context of death, Robert Frost aptly put it poetically in his literary piece “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”
The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.
Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t intend to convey that I can fully control my life and that I can choose when to die. Actually, I reckon passing away as part of God’s plans for each of us… that if it’s our time, He has all the means to take back the most precious gift He has given us…wherever we are…whatever circumstance we’re in.
Considering the substance of the verses, this mind fears death so much as it perceives passing away as something too ‘promising’ and ‘tempting.’ This mind visualizes that beyond death, a new world is there—so serene, so promising, so ‘out-of-this-world.’
Going to ‘sleep’ or crossing the road to that serene world appears to me as something that enchants yet this mind refuses to be enticed. It deems important to continue its long journey in this world before mellowing down to the placid lane of that world as there are many more ‘promises to keep’—there are many more goals to pursue, there are still myriad travails to surpass, and there are more than a million more challenges to hurdle in order for me to become eligible to enter the ‘woods’—the serene world.
To be more specific, I am very much afraid to die young [I mean 40 and below; since the term ‘young’ is relative, other youthful brains may consider 50 to be well included in this description]. Yes, I am actually afraid of dying young because there are many more obligations to fulfill as there are many more responsibilities to handle. Yes, I am actually afraid of dying young because I firmly believe that death is far beyond my control. As David Davies puts it, “Everything dies. That is the law of life—the bitter unchangeable law.”
Horace Mann, a US educator, once conveyed, “Be afraid to die until you have won some victory for humanity.” Mann’s words underscore the importance of leaving a legacy before one would be truly comfortable to wait for the sunset of his/her existence. I am afraid to die early because I feel that I have not done much that would secure a brighter future for my family. I am afraid to die early because I feel that I have not done much that significantly helped humanity. I am afraid to die early because I feel that I could accomplish—in the next 20, 30 or 40 years—valuable things for my family, for others, for my country and for the world. I am afraid to die early because I feel that I could contribute much for the betterment of this world…for the benefit of humanity.
I abhor the idea of closing my eyes for the last time without fulfilling the dreams and aspirations that I feel I owe Him, my family, my fellowmen and my country. Though I understand that He knows the right time when to decide to make this greatest fear materialize, I humbly cross my fingers before going to dreamland every night, requesting him to prepare me and my family when that inevitable moment comes.
As JPE is 88 years old now, I just hope that my age, 29, would fortunately—with the Life Provider’s grace—reach approximately that of JPE’s before the Providence would write 30.
Oct. 30,2011 Tuguegarao City, Philippines